So, What’s your News?

Tossing SaladHello

Its been a while

I’ve missed you.

What’s your news? What can you tell me?

Me? Well let’s see…

The father of our nation (no not Jacob Zuma, or Steve Hofmeyer), President Nelson Mandela, has been in hospital for a little more than a month now. He has had some respiratory issues. This has been met with constant international press coverage, as day after day both South Africa and the world waited for news on our beloved Madiba. It all seemed to reach fever-pitch two weeks ago, when his health took a turn for the worse. Choirs were already rehearsing the funeral songs, when it is believed that Madiba waved at Death, smiled and gave him the middle finger saying, “its not my time now”… The latest news is that he is responding well to treatment. There were rumours that he had become a vegetable, I’m not sure which, maybe a sweet potato, but this turned out to be false. His living children were fighting over the bones of his dead children, and had used this as an excuse to get their way in court.

This has lead to massive in-fighting between the Mandela family. Chief Mandla Mandela had the disputed bones reburied at his homestead in Mvezo, where he is chief. As this was where Madiba was born, Chief Mandla expected that it would be his Grandfathers final resting place, and he would want the bones of his loved ones around him. The Qunu Mandela’s disagreed with the Mvezo chief, and instituted legal action to have the bones moved back to Qunu, as this is the home of the Mandela family. In the claim submitted to the court, they called Mandla ugly names, like Tellulah, Norm and the ugly duckling, before claiming that Madiba was seconds away from blowing out his own candle, and therefore the bones needed to be moved back to Qunu with haste.  We could go into more detail about all of this, but frankly its petty and boring. It is worth mentioning that Mandla claimed his brother impregnated his wife. Not sure of the relevance though.

What else is there? Well although Juju is homeless, he has decided to launch a political party called the Economic Freedom Fighters, or EFF. There manifesto says they want the economy of South Africa liberated from the oppressive (read as white) people who currently the countries wealth. There will be nationalisation of mines and other treasure troves. There will be redistribution of (white owned) land to those without any. There will be free education, and free healthcare, and I assume free money for anyone associated with Julius. You are probably wondering whats going to stop South Africa going the same way as Zimbabwe and other countries where such things have been rolled out. EFF will work closely with a newly formed union called the Union of WithHolding Interests To Establish Superiority, to make sure things go smoothly. They are going to call this coalition EFF U WHITES for short… I can see it getting TONS of support at next years elections. At least from all of Juju’s next-door-neighbours…

Anything else? Well, because of striking and instability generally in South Africa, the Rand fell through its own poephol, at one stage trading at over R10 to $1. This lead to a massive hike in the cost of petrol and diesel, which will soon affect the cost of everything else. Not even a visit from Barack could get things back on track… Although he promised to invest $7 billion in developing power (electricity, not supremacy) for Africa, this did little to tickle  the world’s G Spot, and interest in investing in South Africa is still pretty low. The strikes continue though, even as we see how they are costing in REAL LIFE! Funny isn’t it…

No not really. Not funny at all…

But if you think this is all such bad news, then you are going to hate what I have to say next!

In  comparison to Madiba’s ill health, the fighting within the Mandela family, the poor performance of the Rand, the cost of petrol and everything else, this all sounds wonderful when compared to this next revelation…

I WAS RIGHT! Angie Motshekga does indeed have her tongue deeply routed in JZ’s poephol. (Here’s the proof! I guessed it AGES ago). You see, just this week, Zoom Zoom Zuma announced a cabinet reshuffle. Dina Pule and her credit card were chopped. Tokyo was also given marching orders. Apparently he was in a meeting deciding on new houses or whatever, when Jacob called him, and said “it is your time now! You must go”. He returned to the meeting, and said that there wasn’t much point in concluding it, as he had been fired. Guess he will just have to go back to counting his money. Richard Baloyi was fired for doing nothing at all. And Angie, possibly the worst performing cabinet minster for basic education was given another chance. This had nothing to do with the fact that someone saw her with her face tucked in-between the naked buttocks of a smiling JZ minuted before the press conference. That’s right, Angie’s analingus prowess is whats keeping her in her position.

Why is this the worst news? WELL! Let me explain…

There are a small handful of people in the world, who are lucky enough to make millions by absolute luck, like winning the lottery, or inventing something brilliant. There is a group slightly bigger than this, who fake it until the make it. In South Africa, there are quite a few of these (often known collectively as politicians). The remaining people in the world will have to MAKE life happen by working hard, and trying to succeed in whatever they do. In order for this group to succeed, they need every bit of help that can be offered. The MOST crucial bit of help that can be offered is a good education. Teaching someone to read, write, and do maths are the basic principles needed to make someone employable. Education is the key for millions of poor and disadvantaged children to climb out of the hole that they are in. Unfortunately, millions of children will not have the opportunity to make a success of their lives, because a brainless under-performing, under-achieving, who is yet to prove her worth, has been left in charge of basic education. She is fucking useless, apart from the dexterity of her tongue which she shows Zuma by tossing his salad...

The future for many South African youths is doomed… Thanks Angie!

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