Hirsch’s is Vomiting in My Ear

Taking Hit Radio Literally

Taking Hit Radio Literally

As my dear friend and ex Domestic worker Elizabeth (not so much a friend since the CCMA case, but that’s a story for another day) would exclaim “oooooooo Jehovaaah!”, I am starting to resent my radio. There is a condition called Objectum-Sexuality where a person falls in love with an inanimate object, I don’t have this condition, but my little radio has kept me company during those super quiet moments in my lonely office, and as such we have become good friends. As with any friendship, we have our ups and downs, like when those Joburg storm clouds build up, and my radio thinks this is an excuse to play half of 5FM and half of uMhlobo FM (or whatever station is within range), sometimes we fight. But mostly we are OK.

I am suffering a little with playlist fatigue recently. 5fm has forgotten that there are new songs being made everyday. I know Fresh says that we have it good here in South Africa, and that in the US only 100 songs are played a week on “Top 40 Radio” but still! Why can’t we set the bar higher? There are thousands of potential Top 40 songs that could crawl all the way up the Top 40 if they were just given a little airtime. I fear bureaucracy has crept in here, and is slowing down the process, as The Man decides what is applicable for my listening and what isn’t. And maybe he is right some of the time.

One just has to watch 15 minutes of the Idols auditions to know how KAK some people are at singing. I don’t feel bad for laughing at them. If I were a judge I would be downright mean to them. Why? For the same reason I am not allowed to walk into a hospital and audition for the job of heart surgeon simply because my mommy thinks I might be good at it. They won’t let a living human being lie down on the table as I stick my grubby fingers in their chest, and heave out their heart. Because I am not a fucking heart surgeon. If you can’t sing, and you know it, but you try out for Idols thinking you have a serious chance of making it because you went to Ras Dumisani’s School of Kak Singing, then I would tell you that your mother lied to you! I would tell you that the sound of that chimp that give birth online recently was more melodious than your rendition of Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You. If you can’t sing, then don’t do it.

So The Man might have his place choosing the melodious music that will fill my ear canals, and that’s ok. If he could do it a little quicker so that I don’t get tired of songs before they are dropped off the playlist that would be great! Think about Gangnam Style for a second. I know I was VERY tired of that song loooong before 5fm dropped it from their playlist, I think the entire world was, because the song was killed! I had heard it so many times, I knew most of the words. TO A FREAKIN KOREAN SONG!  Radio playlists need to progress as quickly as music trends do. The Man from 5fm must heed this warning.

However, this isn’t my biggest bugbear. Clearly the same The Man doesn’t work in the ad placement department. I don’t believe there is anyone doing quality control in that department. There are adverts that make it onto air that are so terrible that I can feel a little piece of my brain fizzle and die every time they make their way down my ear canals and into my brain. It should be illegal for such terrible ads to be played on radio. It should also be illegal for the same annoying adverts to be played for months and months everyday at least once per hour. Did you know that I know all the words to the Baz and Stretch Ibiza advert for Super M’s Ibiza rocks comptetition? Fuck, its bad.

By far the worst though is Hirsch’s. Back when Lisping Lucy Hirsch used to do their terrible adverts, and they all started with “Haa, Arm Luuusi Hursh”, I thought to myself that those adverts emanate from the deepest darkest pit of radio advertising. Now, it seems that Lucy has outsourced her adverts to the local remedial school teacher, because My Fuck! They are terrible. Fuckin Gareth and Jane or whatever the two stupid characters are called, need to fuck RIGHT off. The ads are a dismal attempt at trying to be relevant to Everyman, whose fridge gives up the ghost after 30 years. But they aren’t. They are annoying because they are so bad. You know how sometimes things can be funny because they are bad? Yeah, these adverts are nothing like that. They are horrendous. I think I might sue for damages. The little piece of my soul that is stolen every time these adverts are played must be worth something, right? At the very least, maybe we can get Hirsch’s to use a proper ad agency to come up with their adverts? Can Nando’s maybe give Lucy some advice?

Some people might say, if you don’t like it, switch off your radio. But that is incorrect. If one of my friends were to knock on my door, I would invite them into my living room, because they are my friend and I know more or less what they think and what they have to say. If they something I disagree with, I have no qualms in disagreeing. If the disagreement is too contentious then we will probably concede and change the subject. If a stranger knocks on my door, I will certainly not invite them in. They could be robbers, or worse Jehovah’s Witnesses! Because I cannot directly disagree with the radio and air my view, I trust that 5fm will not pollute the airwaves with kakadudu. It is their responsibility to make sure what they broadcast is of the highest possible caliber. And 90% of the time it is. They have awesome radio hosts, and The Man does his job fairly well to ensure that the music is mostly pleasing to my ears.

They just need to muzzle Lucy and her adverts. The world will be a better place…

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