England is full of SMI’s…

Having driven the length of England on this trip, from London to Liverpool, and then toured around London and the countryside with the rental car for a few days when we returned from Liverpool, I feel I have enough experience to offer some insight.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no expert, that nows where I’m going, and knows all the nifty shortcuts, etc. I drove where the bossy woman in the dashboard told me to. I’d tell her to take me somewhere and she would inevitably get me stuck in traffic. Supposedly this was always the quickest route. I had my doubts, but I’d follow her instructions out of fear of execution should I disobey (I know, I’ll make a great husband!).

Firstly, you need to understand 2 things about Jolly Olde Ingerlend, the one is that although the country of England can fit inside the Kruger Park (a massive safari park in South Africa for the foreigners), everything is connected via multilane freeways. These freeways are utterly pointless, because as you get up to speed you have to slow down for a traffic jam. You then drive through the traffic, only to find that the cars have slowed down FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON! All the cars that were driving slowly ahead of you will all of a sudden, just, sommer, nje, speed up. There is no broken down truck, or a dead fucking dinosaur in the road to look at, NOTHING!

The other thing is that when you eventually get into the city (London in this case) the streets are lined with parked cars. “Fantastic!” you think to yourself, “I can park where I like!”. Except you can’t, because there is always a sign that says that the open spots are reserved for either a horse driven gypsy cart, or a wife-beating plumber in a panelvan. When you do find an open parking spot, you are no longer anywhere near where you want to be, and the price to park there is half a liver or an entire kidney! I believe there is a grand total of 3 free parking spots in all of Britain to be used by us ordinary mortal souls.

And this is when I had my epiphany! The traffic on the freeway is not random. Not at all! The millions of SMI’s (Slow Moving Idiots) on the freeway are slowing down on the off chance that they might see one of the elusive free parkings!

Apart from that, driving in the UK is rather straightforward, organised and boring! No taxi drivers to make things interesting, no potholes to avoid, no roadworks, nothing! They even tell you where the speed cameras are… Only in England!