I Fly Cattle Class on Kak Airways… How bout you?
I’m incredibly grateful to be on holiday in the UK. I just wish there was a nicer way of getting here than in cattle class, that doesn’t require you to sell your soul to the devil…
I shared a normal sized seat with another man. The airline thinks that by putting an armrest in the middle they can make one chair look like two… When I awoke with the man’s morning breathe blowing in my face I told him to roll over so we could spoon. I only fell asleep because I drank a full bottles worth of mini-bottles of wine, and then an equal amount of whiskey. I new it was time to sleep when I couldn’t change channel on the touch screen in front of me (not that I could before the booze).
When dinner was served, I half expected them to lead us to a trough where we would all eat while they milked us. This might have made the trip slightly more enjoyable, but sadly I was given a tray with UFO’s on it (Unidentified Food Objects). I would imagine it was made in a witch’s cauldron, with eye of newt, and the urine of a neap toad. Apparently it was beef and mashed potatoes. Maybe in its past life!
When I asked the hostess why my dinner had been made in someone’s stomach, and them shat into a small tinfoil bowl, she said that the food from South Africa was always like that. In her pommy accent I mistook her for a colonialist just for a second. I expected her to follow this up with something like “we’ve tried to teach these savages to cook, but you know how difficult everything is in Erfrica!”. Lucky for her she realised that the person asking the question was from the country she was trying so hard to insult!
Because in South Africa, our meals are always hearty. We don’t do half-arsed attempts at dinner, we fucking cook, and bake and casserole and braai! The food in Erfrica is some of the tastiest I’ve had anywhere in the world!
You aren’t fooling anyone airline!
So! If anyone from Velvet Sky can afford the Internet, this is how you can become a major player in this international game:
Firstly, put business class seats throughout the plane, but charge cheap rates! If there is a need for the exorbitantly priced beds with self filling champagne glasses, put them somewhere the normal people don’t see them. I’m inclined to shit on the pillows of these pompous clowns. Don’t make me walk passed them to get to my seat. Secondly, let my mum cook for you! I guarantee you,nthere will be absolutely no airplane food, just tasty hearty meals! Thirdly, make sure your hosts/hostesses (hostrons?) want to be there. The old days of the height restrictions etc are long gone, so I’m sure there are many young and vibrant people who would love to accompany me on my flight across the globe… I want someone who instinctively knows to bring me another round of drinks and then has the decency to laugh and my drunken jokes!
Honestly! World air travel doesn’t have to be so kak… The people offering the service just need to realise that they are transporting people, not goats…