I F#@%!NG Hate Queues! And Julius Hates God…

I would rather poke a turd with a stick than stand in a queue… Nobody in history has ever said “this queue is awesome! I hope it doesn’t move quickly, because I want to stand in one spot for as long as possible…”

After reading about the logic behind the kak feelings behind queues (here if you are interested) I learnt about the shhhneaky tactics that clever people with calculators and thick books have come up with to make queues more bearable…

The idea of being in stasis is what irritates people. We are all VERY important! With VERY important things to do! Our lives are short, and we don’t have much free time as it is. Its a categorical waste of time to be standing in a queue. I want to buy a box of toothpicks, but I have to queue for 37 days behind the entire population of China, who are all queuing with trolleys full of rice and fish biltong… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

So the shneaky scientific bastards have come up with ingenious ways of making the queuing experience less of an assault on my overactive sensitivities.

  • Impulse buying: Fill the shelves around the queue with kak. I’ll buy a drum magazine only because I started reading about Tutu’s third nipple on page 5, and I’m going to take approximately 38 days to finish reading the article. Swak okes… I’m poor, I can’t afford this crap
  • Overestimating the time its going to take to get to the front: Often those serpentine queues hide just how long the queue actually is. So the shneaky bastards will put up a clock to say it’ll take you “approximately 32 years, 21 days, 14 hours, and 16 minutes to reach the front of the queue.” The sense of achievement when you beat the clock by 30 seconds makes wasting half your life in the queue worthwhile. I’m not sure if this would work in a emergency rooms waiting area… I’ve just chopped off my arm during a fight with my lawnmower, and I’ve calculated that I’m going to die in approximately 38 seconds, hopefully the clock is wrong…
  • The shneakiest of all of these tactics is one employed by Houston Airport in the US. People were complaining about waiting too long at the baggage claim carousel. They tried speeding up the process, yet the complaints persisted. So they made the walk from the plane to the baggage claim carousel longer! People spent a longer time walking to the carousel, and less time waiting, and this put a stop to complaints about the long wait for the bags to come out… The cheeky fuckers! (I hope the amount of complaints dramatically increased regarding the kak far trek to the baggage claim carousel)

I told my friend Rich about this. He thought this was a spark of brilliance, and immediately set up Navy Seal type obstacle courses in the queuing area of his supermarket! It worked brilliantly! Not only were the people queuing kept busy, but those who couldn’t complete the course, tended to perish before they could lay any formal complaints.

I think that the clever people that figure these things out  also work for my domestic worker, Elisabeth (who writes Julius Malema’s speeches, remember?). Juju came out with a brand new pearl of wisdom last week. He schemes that Zuma should step down as president, because he was President at the exact moment when the striking mineworkers were shot dead by police last week. I agree thaqt this shouldn’t have happened, but blaming Zuma for it makes zero sense to me. If you follow the same logic, the machine gun manufacturer should be forced to shutdown too, because the police used their guns… There would be no more sing of Umshini Wame if that is the case.

Julius believes in God. Tell me Mr Malema, should your God resign too? Not only was he on duty when the miners were shot, but he created the miners, the police and the strike. So ultimately it is your God’s fault?

I asked Elisabeth what her thinking was when she wrote this particular speech. She said her brief was that she has to work into every speech from now to Manguang a good reason why President Zuma should go the way of Mbeki at the next conference. As a link to this isn’t always easy, Elisabeth said she had to get creative. She used similar logic to that used at Houston Airport. Instead of firing the policemen who opened fire, she tried to create a route that would  take Mr Malema’s supporters longer to figure out, thereby giving them less time to get bored of Malema’s nonsense. So by sprouting absolute rubbish as to why the President should step down, Malema’s followers will spend a longer amount of time arguing this point with Zuma supporters, than if Malema had suggested that the police that were responsible be fired… And in doing so, it’ll eliminate the downtime during which the Malema supporters would formulate negative impressions of Juju himself!

Ingenious Elisabeth! Ingenious…