Your Costs are Different to Mine…

I hate payday. Everyone celebrates because finally they have some money again. These are harsh times we live in, and it doesn’t appear to be getting any easier. But there is one thing that I hate more than payday. And that is handing over money. I prefer to have money in my account, rather than let you have it in yours. I don’t care if you allowed me to have some Guess jeans on credit, with the hope that I would pay you back. That is your stupidity for thinking I would pay you back Mr Edgars.

There is nothing worse than seeing money arrive in your account, and then immediately being pilfered by what I call theft orders. Sure, I might have signed your piece of paper, but still! Fuck You! I asked my company if they could pay me in gold coins, because then I could stand over my pile of gold coins with a machete and chop off the fingers of any of the money grabbing bastards who dare go near it.

I wrote a letter to the National Lottery, to ask if they would let me win, because it only seems fair. Someone has to win it, and it might as well be me.  Below is an excerpt:

Date: 28 March, 2012
From: A Fat Man (
Subject: My Winning Numbers

Good Evening,

I’m not sure if you noticed but you failed to pick my winning numbers last night.

I require the numbers to be picked on Friday at the latest, and my winnings be paid in gold coins. I intend on paying some dwarfs to live in a cave and look after my money, like it Gringotts bank in Harry Potter. Only I will be able to enter my vault, using my wand which is cleverly disquised as an HB pencil. Also, it writes like one.

Your apreeshiashion (spelling?) would be apreesheeated (again, how the fuck do you spell this?)


To: A Fat Man (
Date: 29 March, 2012
From: Joyce Nzwira (
Subject: RE: My Winning Numbers

Good Morning Mr Fat Man,

Thank you for your entertaining email.

Please note that the National Lottery and its associates have no control over the numbers that are drawn, as they are subjected to agitation by the machine before it randomly selects the numbers.

Keep playing and Good Luck!


To: JoyceNzwira (
Date: 29 March, 2012
From: A Fat Man (
Subject: RE: RE: My Winning Numbers

Hello Joyce,

Thank you for your assistance.

I was quite drunk when I wrote that email, so in sobriety now, I realise my mistake.

I would like to offer my sincerest apologies.
If I don’t give you my numbers, of course the machine will select random numbers.

So on Friday, I will be playing 7, 11, 14, 23, 28 and 35.

I’ll be sure to invite you to my winning party!

Kind Regards,

PS. Please forgive the atrocious spelling in the last email. As I mentioned I was quite drunk. I am a writer, and I myself, am appalled  by it.

Needless to say, I never won the Lotto. (I wouldn’t be rambling on here if I had, I’d be too busy stacking all my gold coins into stacks of 10 coins each, to be able to write). But it did make me wonder how someone who was Lotto winner rich, ended up broke.

Enter Julius Malema. Between his meager salary from the ANC Youth League, the pittance given to him from the Ratanang Family Trust, and his stipend from companies like On-Point Engineers (his Limpopo tender company) Juju was estimated to be worth R140 million at one stage. He is supposedly broke now, with his tender company barely having enough to pay wages. He owes the taxman R27 million, which he can’t pay. How do you spend that much money? Some clever friends of mine worked out that even if you invested this money poorly, you would have to buy a new Mercedes Benz once a month to spend all the interest.

This seriously puzzled me until I found a quote directly from the horses arse… MOUTH, I mean mouth. Directly from the horses mouth, where when asked if he was broke he said “Where are you? I can come take you to the bank, withdraw R100 and buy you a Fanta orange.” (click here if you want to read the full article. I wonder why orange and not pineapple or grape?)

Then it dawned on me, he is paying R100 for Fanta Orange. He is being drastically over charged. If that’s the price he is paying for Fanta, can you imagine how much he must be paying for other things? No wonder he has no money. The standard price for a Breitling watch is about R250 000, he must have paid R1 million. A Range Rover goes for R1.4 million new, he must have paid R50 million. Can you imagine how much he must be paying for his house and the renovations being done to it?

It is no wonder that he can’t afford to pay the tax man. And also why he needs to use his company to pay towards the Youth League, and other such expenses. This makes me feel so much better about my bills. At the end of the day, when I have a balance of R3.17 the day after payday, at least all my bills are paid. And although some of them seem a bit ridiculous, like Vodacom and Edgars, at the end of the day its nothing close to how much old Juju is being ripped off. Even my friend Rich’s “accidental” sign up for horse porn wallpapers for his phone, and a subsequent bill of R2000 which he is just going to pay because “its too much effort to argue with the company… Just forget about it, don’t worry, it’ll go away”, seems like a minor wallet raping compared to what poor Julius is going through.

The question is, is anyone going to tell Julius?
I thought not…