Annoying Recruitment (Pty) Ltd.

Has anyone else noticed the sudden increase in the amount of blind beggars at the traffic ligths? Is this the case in all the provinces or just Johannesburg? I think I know how to make some money out of this.

You may remember a couple of years ago, there was a big uproar about the company that one could say started the car guarding trend. Yes, I’m talking about the company that created the scourge that makes any shopping trip just that much more painful. They were the company that took anyone sitting on a street corner, gave them a lesson on how to be painfully annoying, put them in a uniform (lumo yellow bib included) and sent them out to the car parks across Joburg. The idea was that, should you wish, they would keep an eye on your car in return for a Rand or two. Sounds simple right? The rant about how giving them a Rand or two is a charitable gift (as cars look after themselves quite well, and these bastards do nothing to stop thieves from actually stealing cars), as opposed to something similar to paying the mafia protection money (you pay the mafia to protect your business from the mafia) is a rant for another day. So is the rant about how since the invention of the car guard, apparently EVERYONE has forgotten how to reverse out of a parking.

What I wish to mention in this post is that the company, who was “creating” car guards created a stir when it came out that the car guards had to hand over all of their donations for the day, and the company then gave the car guards a small cut of their takings. Not enough donations and you were out. So your charitable donation was actually going towards making a fat cat fatter, and the car guard stood in the sun all day, creating havoc while people tried to park their cars.

My idea is a similar type of business. With the sudden surge of blind people begging at traffic lights, I’d like to have a store where you as a beggar could come and rent a blind person. For a nominal fee, you could have a bona fide blind person to pull on the heart strings of the Sandton Soccer Mommies on their way home from their affairs. I can give you an example of where this busines would prove useful. The other day, on my way home from work, I was forced to go around a taxi who thought the fast lane approaching a traffic light was the best place to stop and drop off passengers. After narrowly missing his disembarking passengers (they were too quick) I noticed I was heading directly for a blind man and his cup holder person. I swerved back into the other lane, and braced myself for the bone crunching impact, which never arrived. Had the blind beggar not been so swift, I would have clipped him with my wing mirror. And just like that, the game was up. If he was “blind”, how did he “see” me, and know to move just enough to avoid being taken out by my wing mirror? The fact that his eyes opened wider than a virgin boy’s eyes on his first trip to Teazers means that the bumbling old blind man was just pretending. I could see the donations drying up as I drove on. People were no longer interested in being charitable towards a cheat. Also, he was wearing a watch…

This is where a recruitment agency/shop for blind beggars would come in so handy. The cup-holder becomes the businessman, instead of the seeing-eye dog. All you would need to do is find a traffic intersection which isn’t already filled with blind people, and you are on your way to making a ton of money.

Why stop at just stocking blind beggars? I should stock babies too. Although there was a drastic drop in the amount of women with babies begging at the robots after Carte Blanche ruined it, I think there is still a market for it. I might stock people with funny walks too. You see them on William Nicol all the time. I saw the infamous Hunchback of William Nicol stand up straight and climb into a taxi at the end of a busy afternoon shift limping up and down between the rows of cars.

If business does well enough, maybe one day I could even start selling smelly, old torn clothes, so the beggars don’t have to ruin their Sunday bests. I could also stock knee pads, for all those that get down on their knees to beg. The possibilities are endless. All in all I could have a one stop shop for beggars, and they would make me rich!