The Luckiest Man (Barely) Alive!

The DA should be punished. It is all their fault.

The Correctional Matters Amendment Act closed the Schabir Shaik medical parole loophole. Before September last year, you (as a convicted criminal) could ask your next door neighbour, who is a vet and has a notepad with Dr Whoever at the top, to write you a sick note saying you are deadly ill at the top, and Correctional Services would let you out, to go play golf, and beat people up.

Now, since the Correctional Matters Amendment Act was passed  a qualified Doctor would have to thoroughly motivate your medical condition, and how gravely ill you are before the parole board would pay any attention. They would then send the motivation to an independent panel of medical experts to adjudicate, before the parole board woud begin weighing up the options. This is flawless. Your next-door-neighbour/vet wouldn’t stand a chance. Schabir Schail should count himself lucky that this only came into law last September. Nobody can use the Shaiky loophole as a get out of jail free card anymore.

EXCEPT for that one loophole where you are older than 50 and need kidney dialysis because this is the only condition that South African prison’s medical facilities can’t treat. But how many prisoners qualify for that, right? Enter newly convicted Jackie Selebi. Almost at the same moment that he lost his appeal, his doctors were plugging in the dialysis machines, because his kidneys were fooked!

There is one and only one exception to the Correctional Matters Amendment Act, that allows for prisoners who are older than 50 to be treated for kidney conditions that require dialysis, to be treated at a hospital rather than in prison. Can you believe Jackie Selebi’s luck? He should play the lotto, the stock exhange and Russian Roulette, because there is no chance he could ever loose.

Imagine this, you were once the “Top Cop”. The men and women who work for you are responsible for all of your soon to be roommates in prison. That would be super exciting! Your bed would be a blanket on the floor, and your wife would be a guy, or more likely you would be someone elses wife. The food wouldn’t be too bad, as apparently you are used to eating peanut butter sandwiches instead of lavish meals, or so you claimed in the courtcase that placed you in that prison cell. This really is the way you want to live out your days right?

The fact that Selebi was on the take and underminded the entire system, while also being President of Interpol, should not play heavily on anyones mind. Interpol will definitely select another South African President, because we don’t have a reputation for being particularly corrupt as a country right? NO WAIT! I’m thinking of another country, maybe Switzerland…

Jackie Selebi can thank the DA for pointing out the only possible way not to live out his days as someones sperm recepticle. It may not have actually been them that pointed this out. Apparently, Jackie has had this kidney problem since 2009, but had kept the fact that he needed dialysis under his hat, for just an occasion such as this. Never the less, the DA came out publicly, rubbing their sweaty little hands together, nervously smiling about the fact that, just for a change, justice had been served, and corruption had been thwarted.

So, James Selfe, spokesperson for the DA, take your bhibhiza. Let that be a lesson to you. Maybe you won’t open your mouth again until the proverbial fat police chief has sung, and is behind bars.

Info from here and here