Today I was told my understanding of the Zulu culture is “pathitic”. Not knowing what pathitic means, I assumed it means incredible, or remarkable. This same person told me I should spend some time with some 100% Zulu’s.
Not knowing that there was a measure of one’s Zulu-ness, I was excited by the prospect. I asked a Zulu girl I know how Zulu she is. Off the bat she was able to tell me that she is 80% Zulu. This was calculated on how much of her blood was Zulu, apparently. Again, I didn’t know that blood could be distinguished as Zulu and not Zulu. Is it a different colour?
Not being able to find anything on the Zulu measuring scale on Google, I thought it might be useful for us Mlungus if I were to outline the basics.
This is what percentage of your blood is Zulu. I assume that this doesn’t mean that the little red blood cells float around bare chested, and holding an Assegai. I believe that Zulu blood is the blood that boils first when you are angry. Its the first to rush to your member when he comes to attention, and the last to trickle out when you are stabbed. Having a lot of Zulu blood would make you very courageous, hot headed, invincible and horny. Having a small amount of Zulu blood would make you white.
How brown you are also has an effect on your Zulu-ness.
But it is not just your browness on the outside, the browness on the inside counts too.
This means that when working out Zulu-ness according to external browness, Boer Jan, who has a tan the colour of a muddy river (from spending as much time in the sun as his wekas) is probably about as Zulu as the Sandton Zulu ladies (who use cream to lighten their skin) . Internal browness is where the Mlungu’s can make up some ground. Knowing words like Sawubona and not pronouncing it like a white person adds to one’s internal browness. Knowing things like OH MY GOSH! and saying it like you have never set foot outside of Sandton City detracts from your internal browness.
Incidentally, the units used to measure ones browness all relate to food. If you are 50% Zulu, you would be a Top Deck (or if you believe the whites are on top). Oreo’s and Coconuts are confusing. They are both brown on the outside and white in the middle. But Oreo’s have more brown cookie, than white Icing. Coconuts on the other hand have more white flesh than brown husk. I fear an empirical study will have to be done to calculate the various units of measurement here.
A knowledge of tavern behaviour
Being white and going to the Kasi and drinking at the local tavern on a Saturday afternoon does not have any effect on your Zulu-ness, thanks to all the Bulls fans that went to go watch a rugby match at Soccer City. Being white and in a tavern in Soweto, as opposed to being black in a tavern is where the difference comes. If you get drunk, start a fight (with or without stabbing someone) pick up a woman and still go home to your wife, your Zulu level increases. If you stay relatively sober (because you don’t get drunk in new surroundings), keep your hand in your pocket to protect your wallet and cell phone, and leave before the sun goes down (because thats when all the tsotsies come out), your level of Zulu decreases.
If your greatest dancing achievement ever has been to almost master the Madiba shuffle, you are leaning towards the non-Zulu end of the spectrum. If you are able to make a rubber chicken look stiff compared to you when dancing, then you are probably a Zulu.
Zulu dancing being what it is, being able to stamp your foot after raising it above your head also counts in your favour, as does being able to take off your bra and not bruise your boobs with your knees while dancing.
Being bare-chested in public generally is a good thing for your Zulu-ness levels.
The size of your umthondo
Apparently Zulu men have the biggest penises of all. This means that if your are sporting a knobkerrie that you could play golf with, then you are VERY Zulu. On the other hand, if someone has called it cute, or mistaken it for a strangely fat and straight pubic hair, you are not very Zulu at all.
For the girls, your Zulu-ness in this regard is measured according to the size of your boyfriend’s shlong (or I guess if you have a dildo as big as a baby’s arm). You have a lot of Zulu in you if he is well hung, and a lot less Zulu if he is white…
Using these criteria as a basic guide, one should be able to figure out just how Zulu you are. If you are 100% Zulu, lets hang out! I’m hoping that after some time, my understanding of the Zulu culture, and the Zulu-ness measure will be way more pathitic!