Tag Archives: Jacob Zuma

Why Are You Still Pretending JZ? Nkandlagate happened!

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Jacob+Zuma+at+NkandlaRight now, I am not smiling like J-Sizzle in the picture. I have my angry-writer face on. Let me explain why.

A while back I was going to have a rant about this whole Nkandla thing, but binned it in favour of the “The 7 Commandments of ANCism” post instead. I can’t remember why, but I’m sure I had a good reason.

The fact that the Nkandlagate spectacle continues astounds me. You must remember the reason that public funds had to be used for this upgrade was because a security audit was done, and a “to do list” of upgrades for the Presidents homestead to be made safe for Jeezy was then handed over to Minsiter of Public Works Thulas Nxesi. They followed the list and Hey! PRESTO! They spent R260 million. These were just the necessities,  the very basics as far as security goes, that are needed to make the place secure.

photo (1)The picture above is supposedly a screenshot of a conversation between JZ and Barack Obama. Apparently they are big tjommies! He sleeps over at Jakes house often enough that it should be considered when deciding on the upgrades. If you believe the hype, this was the reason the “security” upgrades were considered in the first place. The idea is that when Barack comes to visit, we wouldn’t want Meneer Obama to trip and fall over a criminal, chip a tooth and then sue the South African government, so we need to make sure there are no criminals  in the house for him to trip over.

I have two issues with this. In America, they have 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (The White House), In the UK they have 10 Downing Street, and Buckingham Palace (it doesn’t have an address… Really. It doesn’t.). These are Estates where the important people live. When  Bumbling Bush was voted out, he had to pack all his things into a suitcase and move out, so that Obama could move in. When David Cameron is replaced as Prime Minister of the UK, he too has to vacate 10 Downing Street. Even HEUIR MARGESTAY (that’s how its pronounced isn’t it? In Queens English?) has to hand over the palace to her heir (although its more likely that she pegs rather than hands over the reigns, in which case Chuck would get it anyway). My point is that even my hard earned money is going to be spent upgrading the President’s Residence, then it should be spent just once. When Jeezy is eventually replaced as El Presidenté he will keep Nkandla. Even if they go back and “un-Presidentify” Nkandla, that R260 million will be lost. Then the next President can spend the same to bling out his pad too! I agree that the residence should be up to Presidential standards, but then lets build a state owned Presidential Palace, so that its passed on to the next President. We can make it A presidential Rondavaal or Kraal, or Homestead, or whatever PC term you like (they could even have a South African version of the American Oval Office, it would have to be round though, as that is the traditional shape of the grass houses). The point is that it would be owned by the country, so the money would only need to be spent once! For R260 million, they could buy Malema’s Sandown home (the one with the bomb shelter, that he can no longer afford), and make that into the Presidential home.

Thats only half the problem. The other half of the problem is  what WE all KNEW to be true, that the money wasn’t only spent on security upgrades. City Press revealed today that of the R260 million, just under R500 000 was spent on building Makhumalo’s Tuck Shop (read here). I don’t mean its where she goes and queues with the other wives during first break to buy Simba cheeeps and a Too Leetah for ten bob, I mean its a Tuck Shop which she runs. Yes. You read that correctly. The First Lady of South Africa runs a spaza shop. She runs a spaza shop inside the Presidential Home. How African are we?! Huh?  So when Barack visits, he can buy a soda, some candy, some Omo, and Jik-ama-Jika, from MaKhumalo’s little shop. For half a bar, it must be a fucking hypermarket!

ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! The fact that everyone is still sticking to the story that everything was above aboard, that there was no misuse of public funds, yet details like this are slowly creeping out makes it that much worse. Give it up. I know I’m stupid, but don’t make an ass-clown out of me.

The fact that one of my colleagues’s gardener was discharged from a hospital to die at home, because they don’t have the necessary machinery to check what is wrong with him at a government hospital is a big issue. I think the machinery is more important  than a fucking tuck shop. Don’t you think? Doctors and nurses aren’t paid overtime, yet they have to work the additional hours as there are not enough doctors and nurses to fill the schedules, and if they don’t do it, people die. How do you justify spending that much on your PRIVATE residence when your countrymen are dying in ill-equipped hospitals Mr Zuma?

There was an email from former CEO of Gold Fields, Chris Thompson which details the corruption that not only happens with Zuma’s knowledge, but with his CONSENT! (read here). Now I can’t vouch for that particular emails authenticity, but I do believe that you would notice if R260 million was spent on your home, supposedly on security upgrades, and after all the construction there is a Tuck Shop there that wasn’t there before. The President of South Africa has knowledge of where the money is going, and he and his spokespersons are FUCKING LIARS!

The 7 Commandments of ANCism

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I asked Elizabeth what she thinks of the current state of affairs in South Africa at present. She stunned me with her answer. This is what she said. Verbatim.

“Orwell”.

Stunned, I just shook my head. She looked at me and shook her head too.

I got the reference to Animal Farm. And I understood what she meant by it. I was shaking my head because I was dumbfounded by the fact that she knew who George Orwell was, let alone the books he had written. Apparently, they are taught these things at revolutionary school or something…

Never-the-less, this got me thinking.
Is it possible that we as a country are more animalist than we’d like to think?

From the perspective of the common man on the street (with an intellectual refreshment consultant) maybe South Africa is a little more Orwellian than even animal farm was. For those of you who can’t remember the book cartoon, here are the original rules:

  1. Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.
  2. Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.
  3. No animal shall wear clothes.
  4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.
  5. No animal shall drink alcohol.
  6. No animal shall kill any other animal.
  7. All animals are equal.

I think Madiba may have plagiarised these commandments a little when he wrote South Africa’s constitution. Not all of them, because walking hasn’t been outlawed in favour of crawling, and I am allowed to sleep in a bed, and wear clothes, and drink alcohol. But apart from that he copied them, I’m sure of it.

Anyway, this was written on a farm and the rules were for pigs. The point is that these rules were put in place to ensure a better farm for the animals to live on. One where everyone was treated fairly.

That was the idealistic South Africa of 1994! Equality was the name of the game!

But just like the commandments were broken and amended in Animal Farm, the same is happening here.

Don’t believe me?

How about this? In Animal Farm the commandment that said no animal shall sleep in a bed, was amended to say that no animal shall sleep in a bed with sheets. In South Africa, El Presidente has taken this one step further to say that No President shall sleep in a bed with OLD sheets. You see he needs to upgrade his Nkandla home, because what happens if Barrack Obama BBM’s Msholozi and says “hey guy. i need to crash at ur haws 4 a couple of nights. Kewl?”. Jeezy needs a place for the Kommanduh in Cheef of the United America to stay. Back in the old day, he would have been cool with offering the couch, but now Egyptian Cotton is expected. So R200 million of the country’s hard earned money will be spent on upgrading the house. NEW SHITS FOR EVERYONE!

What better example of the Commandment “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others” than Sheryl Cwele’s arrival at Westville prison. She certainly feels she shouldn’t be there! Even though she had been convicted, she appealed. She said to her lawyers “tell the court, I want the “Shaik” treatment.” She lost that appeal and ended up in prison with an extra couple of years slapped onto her sentence. Even after reporting to prison, she said she was waiting for her doctors letter from Selebi’s Doctor. But it appears that she isn’t equal enough to get that treatment. (I could have made some reference to the strikes here, but I’m tired of that now. I believe the term is saturated?)

I don’t think anyone ever listened to the “no alcohol” rule. But the amendment about excessive drinking might still be applicable. Just yesterday a “spiet-kop” (metro police – pronounced “fucking pig”) was arrested for accepting a bribe, from a drunken taxi driver. This career policeman, with 15 years in the service under his belt, was caught accepting a R20 bribe from a taxi driver who had had a few pots of umqombothi. The pig thought he had been drinking in excess, and felt that the “spot-fine” of R20 would do as penance.

I can go on and on! And so I did! About how Julius likes nice clothes and Breitling watches, and Range Rovers… And on and on. Elizabeth eventually got bored and switched on the TV. She told me to shuttup because her favourite soapy was about to start on African Magic channel. I said to her; “Elizabeth, you are a genius! You shouldn’t be cleaning my house, you should be an advisor to the President!”

Her reply stunned me again! Her reply. Verbatim.

“Oh well…”

Where is Papa J?

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Hmmmm your breathe smells like shit!Your name is Helen Keller if you aren’t aware of all the upheaval and unrest currently rocking South Africa because of the strikes. Its on every radio station and every news report. It’s everywhere!

It seems that if you are black, and are within arms reach of a rock or long stick, you are allowed to go on strike and demand a higher wage, and that you should carry on striking until you get that higher wage (maybe it applies to whites to?! I didn’t receive a memo from the DA though). I’m not sure what happens if you are on strike for longer than a month though, do you get paid for that month? Worrying to think that people may be on strike for more money, only to get none at all. They might then go on strike from striking because they didn’t get the higher wage they were striking for, as they got nothing. Does the rule of double negatives apply here? A striking striker therefore goes back to work? This is very complicated. My little brain is just going to leave it there, as it cannot go any further without hitting the “blue screen of death” and restarting… (nerd joke, sorry!)

I can’t even count how many strikes there are at the moment. The truck-drivers are on strike, there are still miners on strike too. Its entirely possible that tea ladies are on strike, as there are quite a few coffee cups on my desk, and no sign of the refreshment consultant who usually comes to fetch them. Elizabeth has been seen with her feet up on the coffee table kicking back and watching AfriMagic, I’m not sure if this is a strike or the usual Wednesday routine though… All these strikes have marred together to become a collective of “the strike” and it no longer matters who is on strike but rather how many have been shot by a racist pig  the police.

Fuckit! I want more money! So I’m going on strike too!

 

 

 

Except, I’m not. Because this is a one man show. So if I don’t write this, no one will. And then you, my dear reader, will be left not knowing my 10c on this whole situation… And that just wouldn’t do! You would go to bed tonight feeling slightly uneasy, like there was something missing… I just couldn’t live with myself if that were the case!

My question is, where is The Big Man? Where is Jacob Sanex Msholozi efff-u-too-juju Zuma?  He is the father of the nation (and father to the nation too)! As far as I know, he isn’t on strike! He isn’t busy getting married again either. He certainly isn’t busy reading the report on the Limpopo textbook saga either, as Angie “Poephol-for-a-mouth” Motshekga made it through another Cabinet reshuffle as the Minister of Basic Education.

So why hasn’t he come out and said: “Be still, my children. I will look after you. Do not throw that rock. Do not swing that stick. I don’t want you to be shot’. Why hasn’t he ordered all businesses who are paying their workers peanuts to pay their workers money instead? He has told news people and other non-important people OVERSEAS that this is not the norm here, and that everything will be OK soon, and that they shouldn’t cancel their  December holiday trips to Cape Town’s luxury hotels just yet. He has said bugger all, to the South Africans who are the people being stoned and shot at. This is rather worrying.

President Zuma, please remove your penis from Minister Motshekga’s mouth/poephol, and focus. We need you to do what you were put in power to do. We need you to lead. Things are looking shady for you coming up to Mangaung as it is already. Don’t give them a reason for your supporters to “mbeki” you at the conference.

Although, as the saying goes: live by the sword, die by the sword…

The Fuss Over JZ’s Spear Continues

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You know that moment when you realise you have pulled the pin on a grenade and thrown it, and then realised afterwards that you have thrown the pin at your enemies, and that you have just dropped the grenade at your feet, and you are waiting for the inevitable explosion?

It seems the explosion has finally happened. All the usual insults have been thrown. “Its degrading” and “shows no respect for the president” are but a few of the complaints about Zuma’s cartoon winky. My favourite comment though, is “the picture and the artist are racist.” How is a picture of a black man with a fair sized penis racist?

HOLD ON A SECOND! WOOOOAH! Look at the picture again… It is in fact a yellow man with a red penis. Hmmmm… I suppose you would see this as racist if you were Chinese, but would probably also keep your mouth shut as as it depicts this Chinese person as being well endowed!

Its difficult therefore to say it is JZ, and also that the picture is racist. How then did the President see the portrait as depicting him as “a philanderer, a womaniser and one with no respect”? Those were the words he thought of when he saw the painting of a well endowed Chinese person? If the shoe fits Mr President… (Or in this case, the condom)

This explains why what I can only imagine is a rogue street artist and his older gentleman friend were caught painting the person on the picture black yesterday afternoon. They realised that the President had outed himself as “a philanderer, a womaniser and one with no respect” and needed to cover up his blunder before anyone else noticed. The hard headed approach of the security guard (check this video) doesn’t help the young black man in the slightest, but it does make the video a lot more entertaining. Iman Rapetti from 3rd Degree was there recording what will be a very boring, argumentative and tedious report (if Debora Patta has anything to do with it) on the painting when the artists started repainting the painting, so there is some great footage. The older gentleman friend first painted two red X’s to show exactly where the picture needed to be “coloured in” to make JZ’s comments viable, then the youngster got stuck in with the black paint. They didn’t do a very good job though… The painting is now a bit of a mess.

And now the picture has made international news! Luckily only after it was repainted, otherwise I’m sure Sky News would be wondering why Jacob is labeling himself as  “a philanderer, a womaniser and one with no respect” when looking at a portrait of a yellow man with a red penis. They can now safely make the assumption that because the person in the painting is “black” and he has said this, it must therefore be him…

JZ’s Spear Causing a Fuss (again)

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Let me hazard a guess as to what the outcome of the court action against the Goodman Gallery and City Press will be…

But first, lets get everyone else’s opinion on the picture. News 24 reported that Mr President has already said that his feelings have been hurt. He says he was shocked, offended and violated… (I think he asked his young next door neighbour to help him write that? In between her showers, homework and shaking his spear?)

JZ’s daughter said in a statement that the picture “seeks to take away our ­father’s dignity, and destroy his true character and stature as a man, a father, and a leader of the ANC and South African society at large.”

Oliver Tambo’s daughter wrote on a social networking site: ”So the Pres JZ has had his portrait painted and he doesn’t like it.”

“Do the poor enjoy poverty? Do the unemployed enjoy hopelessness? Do those who can’t get housing enjoy homelessness? He must get over it. No one is having a good time. He should inspire the reverence he craves. This portrait is what he inspired. Shame neh! [sic]” (full article here)

Seems JZ’s member has given people some balls to say what they actually feel (sorry, its just too easy!). Damon Kalvari from Gareth Cliff’s morning drive show on 5FM spoke to some people at the gallery over the weekend, the recordings of which were played on live radio this morning. Apart from offending someone, and getting lost in a art critics take on the  picture, he also spoke to some ordinary black women. They asked how JZ satisfies 6 wives with such a small ‘machine gun’, and also commented that they expected more of his “machine”. This brings new meaning to Umshini Wame doesn’t it? (for those ignorant whites who read my blog, umshini wame literally means my machine, the struggle song relating to a machine gun being brought to the singer…) Who knew he was actually asking for his penis and not a machine gun? When you’ve had as much sex as he has, it doesn’t surprise me that its detachable.

So onto the court case! The ANC would like the picture to be taken down, both from the gallery and from City Press’s website (I’m not famous enough yet so I’m sure I don’t have to remove it from here…). The ANC is going to complain that this denigrates the office of the President, and that as the President, Jacob should be above this kind of slander. Anyone with a brain cell will rebut that any penis that has been in the spotlight as much as the President’s deserves to be displayed wherever there is a need. In this case, the need is to generate visits to the Goodman Gallery, and some money for Brett Murray.

Mr President (yes I’m speaking to you now, Jacob), Bill Clinton’s sperm was put on display after he biffed on Monica Lewinsky. He didn’t like it, but there was nothing he could do about it… The fact of the matter is that if YOU live a life in the public, you are going to be drawn in many different ways. Those that like you will draw you with your zip closed, those that don’t like you will draw you with a shower extending from the top of your head. Those that like to have a laugh will draw you with an oversize penis hanging out. (Ask any high school or varsity guy, this is the height of good toilet humour).

If the court case is argued logically, the Goodman Gallery will say “OK, we will take it down.” City Press might say the same, but it doesn’t matter. Its been in all the major newspapers, and is pasted all over the internet, the picture has done what it set out to do; and that is to cause a stir. Its not the first time the President’s winky has done that…

The bigger question is, if you were an upset President, who didn’t like the picture being shown off in the media, and you had the tools to limit what the media is allowed to say, something like… I dunno.. ummm… the Protection of Information Bill (that seeks to be able gag the media and prosecute people who disclose state secrets), would you not just push this through, fueled by such defiance as is being shown at present? If I wanted to give the middle finger to the press, I would…