This is an x-ray of Homer Simpson’s head. I would say it is me, but everyone knows that I am much better looking. But I think our brains are of equal size. Because I am a whizz with words, I can make myself sound intelligent, but in actual fact, I stop breathing while I type, because doing both at the same time is just too difficult.

It is for this reason that you, my dear reader, have waited so long for a new post. I am sorry, you must really have missed me. OR, nobody actually reads this in which case nobody noticed the break in transmission, and I don’t have to feel guilty. I will continue with this post, in the hope that if that is the case, the interweb will accidentally show my blog to a horny South American, who is actually looking for Traditional Mexican Folk Dancing (not sure what this is? I wouldn’t recommend clicking on this link then…).

You see, the process followed for each article posted here is rather complicated. I’ll try and explain it in a couple of steps below:

1. There are millions of mindless thoughts buzzing around inside my little brain. These include things like “how is it that if your scrunch your socks up and shove them in your shoe, you can’t fit your foot in as well, but if you are wearing the sock your foot fits perfectly?” and “if I was an elephant, I would find a natural moisturizer out in the bush, and go and make the Sandton Soccer Mommies (SSM’s) jealous on their game drives, with my soft and wrinkle free skin”
2. There is a filter similar to those electric bug zappers. When an idea flies into it, it gets electrocuted with a loud ZZZZAPP!, if it doesn’t survive that, well that’s the end of it I guess. On the other hand if it gets illuminated by the zapper, then it gets thought about.
3. At this stage questions like is it relevant, is it funny, does it make sense should be asked, but “MMMehh” is usually the response to those questions, so most often I forgo this step.
4. I then have to engage the rest of my body, and see if it is willing to action the thought. I would imagine the little hamster on the wheel that provides the energy for all these things to happen has to run a little faster on his wheel, so that the monkey in control can send a telegraph to my limbs to ask for their co-operation. I imagine that the telegraphs aren’t always that clear, which is why the result is often inaction.
5. Hypothetically speaking, if the message reaches the right part of the body, and is actually actioned, then you end up reading one of my magnificent blog posts (this is assuming that the message actually reached the correct limb. I have a few unpublished posts which just say “ewdtyuyfr gyhuiojt…” because I’ve slapped my penis on the keyboard… Only once I worked out the process I follow to write these posts, did I realise this must be what happens when the internal monkey telegraph is incorrectly delivered to wrong part of my body… This probably explains why sometimes the blog posts are SHIT!)
6. This all has to happen in between breathes.  If it doesn’t happen quick enough, I tend to pass out…

All in all then, you should be pretty impressed that I have ever managed to post an article at all! This has taken some effort to get to the screen you are looking for now.

By the way, if you are a South American looking for a lady having sex with a donkey, thank you for reading. Apologies if I have left you a little deflated and disappointed… If I were looking for my blog and ended up watching your show instead I would probably feel the same way. Ironic, isn’t it?