Every year you know you need to sell a specific amount of cattle to break even. 30 cows to cover the food and medicine. Another 20 cows for salaries. 50 cows to trade for new cattle  (fresh blood to keep your stock strong). 100 cows to pay salaries. You get my point.

So, every year you feed your cattle, and you give them medicine, you brand them so that they can’t go missing (read as stolen) etc. You as the farmer know exactly what is needed to not only break even but make a profit.

If the cows don’t give birth to new cows each year, your herds will not grow. You need your herds to grow to make more money. You need more money to pay increasing costs of having more cattle. Its a vicious circle.

Now that you are a well educated and well equipped farmer, can you explain to me what happens if all your cows decide they don’t like being cows, as they have heard that walruses have a much better deal. So they decide that either you give them the same deal as the walruses or they are not going to carry on doing cattley things? What happens to your cattle business?

Yes! You are right! Your business will soon look worse than the undies of a man caught in a horny horse’s paddock.

Right! Now that you have got the concept lets look at the same story from a different angle. You are in fact a cow. So am I. And so is everyone else (we will get to the walruses in a moment). South African business is the cattle farm, trading cattle for profits to grow the economy. You still with me?

The walruses are different to you and I. They are huge. They have big tusks. They swim and they walk funny. They get milkshakes to drink, and they are fed only virgin fish (because you can taste the innocence). They are not forced to live in a kraal, but rather have open access to the ocean. There are numerous reasons for this but that’s not important right now. All you need to know is that they live a different life to you, and as such the grass is greener on their side…

So you decide that unless you get open access to the ocean, get to eat sushi, and get to drink milkshakes, you aren’t going to carry on cow-ing… At the very least you want two of the three perks. But you draw up a list of demands which includes: regular massages, at least one trip to Europe a year, 1 less pint of milk milked a week, and shares in the farm. AND! You stop doing your cow duties with IMMEDIATE effect.

What happens to South African business? They can’t afford all your demands, and while you don’t cow, they lose money, making it even more difficult for them to afford even your simplest demands. So they capitulate to the farthest degree that they can afford. They offer you fish flavoured milkshakes and reason that you don’t swim so why do you need access to the ocean. But because you know that the walruses got what they want by sticking to their guns, you decide to reject the offer.

What you don’t understand is that the longer you strike for, and the more strikes there are, the more difficult it is for the economy to handle the loss of production, resulting in a loss in revenue. You and all the other cows from the mining farm, or the bus drivers farm, or the education farm, each of you demands more from South Africa, while offering less while you demand it. So basically, every time there is a strike, South Africa takes a knock. Lets not even talk about the farms that will never be started, because the foreigners don’t think investing in an unstable country is a good idea.

So, if you Mr or Mrs Cow feel your deal is kak compared to everyone else, then you have a few options which won’t cost the rest of the country.

Firstly, if you can be a walrus, then become a walrus. For most cows, being a walrus would be rather difficult, as they aren’t properly equipped with whats needed to do the things that walruses do. But maybe you are special, and you have learnt how to do the things that walruses do. If so, then you should benefit from the walruses deal.

Secondly, if you have to be a cow, then don’t demand what the walruses have. Demand something reasonable, take 1 DAY off to march to the farmhouse to hand over your REASONABLE demands, and then go back to work. The farm should be able to meet your reasonable request, without suffering any losses, so everyone will be happy.

Your other option is to quit. I don’t mean quit being a cow, I mean quit life. You aren’t blessed with many talents  except being a cow, yet you won’t be reasonable enough to make demands suitable for cows. Nobody wins in this situation, the farmer can’t afford your demands, and neither can the country. For every day that you hold on to your stupid demands, the chances of you getting any of them get less… There are PLENTY of unemployed chickens looking to take up your spot as a cow. So get out of the way. Stop wasting air.

Striking is a great social tool to get what you want, don’t get me wrong. But I have a problem with striking when its starts to cost the country. Too much time and money is wasted on week long strikes, because more often than not the workers demands are ridiculous.

So there you have it! Be a cow, or be a walrus (or whatever you are good at), work hard and make something of your life for YOURSELF

The whites have been called out AGAIN for being bad losers…

We’ve all heard it, whether in the office, the pub, the Kulula flight, the bathroom stall, just like every time Bono claps his hands, a child in Africa dies (someone has told him to stop clapping, but I guess he doesn’t care…), every time I press the letter E on my keyboard, another white grumbles about how the blacks will usurp the whites.

Now I could stop using the letter E, but lts face it, pople lik to moan rgardlss of what I typ. Plus, it reduces what I’m trying to say to meaningless rubbish, and the point of my blog is to have impact somewhere on someone, it seems a little senseless if that someone somewhere won’t understand a word of it. So lets move on.

When you were once King, and now have to fight for scraps from the new King’s table, there will always be some bad feelings. Or that’s what the whites want you to believe when they moan about how tough life is in the New South Africa. Ferial Haffajee attended a whiteness conference (this must be like the black meetings my black friends attend where they decide who is going to strike for what), and she detailed her experience in this article for City Press.

What she said is that whites need to stop lamenting how terrible it is to be a white South African, and rather embrace being just a South African. That’s it. Actually, that isn’t it. She actually said that time and money is being wasted on turning white groaning into a pathology. She said that South Africa would be better served to dedicate that time, money and effort into something like righting the sinking education ship, and focusing on a non-racialised South Africa. She feels that like pulling a plaster, the “rip it off as quick as possible, lets get it over with” approach should be taken, and that whites should rather get behind black empowerment and employment equity, and shut their mouths about problems like the potholes in the roads and the filthy shambles that are our hospitals. The sooner us whites get behind transformation in South Africa, the better for everyone.

Except it doesn’t work like that. Dan Ariely is an Israeli American professor of psychology. He was burned over 70% of his body in a fire inspection accident. While in hospital, he would have his bandages changed daily. The nurse who put him through excruciating pain daily when she would rip off the bandages (and half of his newly formed flesh). Together they worked out scientifically that it hurt less to slowly ease off the bandages, than to rip them off quickly. This was his rabbit hole into Alice’s Wonderland, through which he uncovered a LOT about how people think and act. More on him here if you are interested. So Ferial, you are wrong… Pulling the plaster off quickly is the wrong approach, Dan proved that.

So understand that because whites were winning yesterday, and losing today, they are going to grumble. They aren’t just going to roll over, grease up their bum holes, and wait for the BIG cock that is BEE to penetrate them.  They are entitled to a grumble, because in this game of South African life, the whites are losing in comparison to what they had before.

If you disagree, and you think whites should be grateful for what they have, and be good losers, then we need good winners too. Everyone who is benefiting because they aren’t white then needs to be happy with their lot as well. Whites may have benefited from better economic conditions, better education etc. during apartheid, but now they are not reaping the rewards they did during apartheid. They have laid down that cross, as others agglomerate themselves on the spoils that were reserved for the whites before. That is the only option. Either the whites get to grumble, or EVERYONE (that includes you, regardless of your colour, social or economic standing, culture, religion, creed, whatever) shuts the FUCK UP, and gets on with transformation.

Ferial is right. Whites do moan a lot. They are turning their problems with being white into a pathology. It is a waste of time and effort. She is correct. But the same can be said for EVERYONE else.

I also agree that once the process of transformation is completed, that South Africa will be a wonderful place for everyone to live in. However, for the process to be completed efficiently, EVERYONE needs to play their part. There is an equal amount of give and take needed. The privileged (ALL the privileged, not just the rich white man) need to give without complaint, and those taking, need to take graciously, and not take more than what is deserved or needed.

Ferial, I agree with you. As a white male, at the very bottom of the wanted list in the changing South Africa, I agree with you… to a point. I have avoided making this about me. But here are my thoughts. I fucking hate losing. I sulk when I lose. Ask the small handful of people who have ever beaten me at anything. There is two things you can learn from this. Firstly, I won’t play unless I think I can win. I may decline playing until such a time that I have learnt how to play well enough to win, but the point is, I like to win, so I will only play if I can win. And secondly, if I do lose, i lose ungraciously. Maybe that’s because I am white, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I am a human, and that is human nature.

So if you would like me to stoically stand silent, and let the process of transformation happen, I need to feel like I am winning, just like everyone else. Nobody wants to lose, everyone likes to win. I will go as far as to say that anybody who likes losing will inevitably lose. So don’t let me and don’t make me feel like the I am giving without getting in return. If whites must give economically, let them get some stability in return, let them get some happiness in return. Aunty Ferial, I don’t want to complain, so don’t make me pay e-toll and more for petrol and more in tax when the whites are giving already. You get what I am saying. Don’t try to sugar-coat the dog turd, because ultimately it will still taste like a turd.

This process of transformation is inevitable. Nature likes the scales to be balanced, so there will always be a shift of weight from one side of the scale to the other, until society reaches an equilibrium. There can be no more middle ground. We either are ALL for it, or ALL against it, there is no trying to find a middle ground. In the wise words of Master Yoda:

Do. Or do not. There is no try. 

A while back I was going to have a rant about this whole Nkandla thing, but binned it in favour of the “The 7 Commandments of ANCism” post instead. I can’t remember why, but I’m sure I had a good reason.

The fact that the Nkandlagate spectacle continues astounds me. You must remember the reason that public funds had to be used for this upgrade was because a security audit was done, and a “to do list” of upgrades for the Presidents homestead to be made safe for Jeezy was then handed over to Minsiter of Public Works Thulas Nxesi. They followed the list and Hey! PRESTO! They spent R260 million. These were just the necessities,  the very basics as far as security goes, that are needed to make the place secure.

The picture above is supposedly a screenshot of a conversation between JZ and Barack Obama. Apparently they are big tjommies! He sleeps over at Jakes house often enough that it should be considered when deciding on the upgrades. If you believe the hype, this was the reason the “security” upgrades were considered in the first place. The idea is that when Barack comes to visit, we wouldn’t want Meneer Obama to trip and fall over a criminal, chip a tooth and then sue the South African government, so we need to make sure there are no criminals  in the house for him to trip over.

I have two issues with this. In America, they have 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (The White House), In the UK they have 10 Downing Street, and Buckingham Palace (it doesn’t have an address… Really. It doesn’t.). These are Estates where the important people live. When  Bumbling Bush was voted out, he had to pack all his things into a suitcase and move out, so that Obama could move in. When David Cameron is replaced as Prime Minister of the UK, he too has to vacate 10 Downing Street. Even HEUIR MARGESTAY (that’s how its pronounced isn’t it? In Queens English?) has to hand over the palace to her heir (although its more likely that she pegs rather than hands over the reigns, in which case Chuck would get it anyway). My point is that even my hard earned money is going to be spent upgrading the President’s Residence, then it should be spent just once. When Jeezy is eventually replaced as El Presidenté he will keep Nkandla. Even if they go back and “un-Presidentify” Nkandla, that R260 million will be lost. Then the next President can spend the same to bling out his pad too! I agree that the residence should be up to Presidential standards, but then lets build a state owned Presidential Palace, so that its passed on to the next President. We can make it A presidential Rondavaal or Kraal, or Homestead, or whatever PC term you like (they could even have a South African version of the American Oval Office, it would have to be round though, as that is the traditional shape of the grass houses). The point is that it would be owned by the country, so the money would only need to be spent once! For R260 million, they could buy Malema’s Sandown home (the one with the bomb shelter, that he can no longer afford), and make that into the Presidential home.

Thats only half the problem. The other half of the problem is  what WE all KNEW to be true, that the money wasn’t only spent on security upgrades. City Press revealed today that of the R260 million, just under R500 000 was spent on building Makhumalo’s Tuck Shop (read here). I don’t mean its where she goes and queues with the other wives during first break to buy Simba cheeeps and a Too Leetah for ten bob, I mean its a Tuck Shop which she runs. Yes. You read that correctly. The First Lady of South Africa runs a spaza shop. She runs a spaza shop inside the Presidential Home. How African are we?! Huh?  So when Barack visits, he can buy a soda, some candy, some Omo, and Jik-ama-Jika, from MaKhumalo’s little shop. For half a bar, it must be a fucking hypermarket!

ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! The fact that everyone is still sticking to the story that everything was above aboard, that there was no misuse of public funds, yet details like this are slowly creeping out makes it that much worse. Give it up. I know I’m stupid, but don’t make an ass-clown out of me.

The fact that one of my colleagues’s gardener was discharged from a hospital to die at home, because they don’t have the necessary machinery to check what is wrong with him at a government hospital is a big issue. I think the machinery is more important  than a fucking tuck shop. Don’t you think? Doctors and nurses aren’t paid overtime, yet they have to work the additional hours as there are not enough doctors and nurses to fill the schedules, and if they don’t do it, people die. How do you justify spending that much on your PRIVATE residence when your countrymen are dying in ill-equipped hospitals Mr Zuma?

There was an email from former CEO of Gold Fields, Chris Thompson which details the corruption that not only happens with Zuma’s knowledge, but with his CONSENT! (read here). Now I can’t vouch for that particular emails authenticity, but I do believe that you would notice if R260 million was spent on your home, supposedly on security upgrades, and after all the construction there is a Tuck Shop there that wasn’t there before. The President of South Africa has knowledge of where the money is going, and he and his spokespersons are FUCKING LIARS!

Taking Hit Radio Literally

As my dear friend and ex Domestic worker Elizabeth (not so much a friend since the CCMA case, but that’s a story for another day) would exclaim “oooooooo Jehovaaah!”, I am starting to resent my radio. There is a condition called Objectum-Sexuality where a person falls in love with an inanimate object, I don’t have this condition, but my little radio has kept me company during those super quiet moments in my lonely office, and as such we have become good friends. As with any friendship, we have our ups and downs, like when those Joburg storm clouds build up, and my radio thinks this is an excuse to play half of 5FM and half of uMhlobo FM (or whatever station is within range), sometimes we fight. But mostly we are OK.

I am suffering a little with playlist fatigue recently. 5fm has forgotten that there are new songs being made everyday. I know Fresh says that we have it good here in South Africa, and that in the US only 100 songs are played a week on “Top 40 Radio” but still! Why can’t we set the bar higher? There are thousands of potential Top 40 songs that could crawl all the way up the Top 40 if they were just given a little airtime. I fear bureaucracy has crept in here, and is slowing down the process, as The Man decides what is applicable for my listening and what isn’t. And maybe he is right some of the time.

One just has to watch 15 minutes of the Idols auditions to know how KAK some people are at singing. I don’t feel bad for laughing at them. If I were a judge I would be downright mean to them. Why? For the same reason I am not allowed to walk into a hospital and audition for the job of heart surgeon simply because my mommy thinks I might be good at it. They won’t let a living human being lie down on the table as I stick my grubby fingers in their chest, and heave out their heart. Because I am not a fucking heart surgeon. If you can’t sing, and you know it, but you try out for Idols thinking you have a serious chance of making it because you went to Ras Dumisani’s School of Kak Singing, then I would tell you that your mother lied to you! I would tell you that the sound of that chimp that give birth online recently was more melodious than your rendition of Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You. If you can’t sing, then don’t do it.

So The Man might have his place choosing the melodious music that will fill my ear canals, and that’s ok. If he could do it a little quicker so that I don’t get tired of songs before they are dropped off the playlist that would be great! Think about Gangnam Style for a second. I know I was VERY tired of that song loooong before 5fm dropped it from their playlist, I think the entire world was, because the song was killed! I had heard it so many times, I knew most of the words. TO A FREAKIN KOREAN SONG!  Radio playlists need to progress as quickly as music trends do. The Man from 5fm must heed this warning.

However, this isn’t my biggest bugbear. Clearly the same The Man doesn’t work in the ad placement department. I don’t believe there is anyone doing quality control in that department. There are adverts that make it onto air that are so terrible that I can feel a little piece of my brain fizzle and die every time they make their way down my ear canals and into my brain. It should be illegal for such terrible ads to be played on radio. It should also be illegal for the same annoying adverts to be played for months and months everyday at least once per hour. Did you know that I know all the words to the Baz and Stretch Ibiza advert for Super M’s Ibiza rocks comptetition? Fuck, its bad.

By far the worst though is Hirsch’s. Back when Lisping Lucy Hirsch used to do their terrible adverts, and they all started with “Haa, Arm Luuusi Hursh”, I thought to myself that those adverts emanate from the deepest darkest pit of radio advertising. Now, it seems that Lucy has outsourced her adverts to the local remedial school teacher, because My Fuck! They are terrible. Fuckin Gareth and Jane or whatever the two stupid characters are called, need to fuck RIGHT off. The ads are a dismal attempt at trying to be relevant to Everyman, whose fridge gives up the ghost after 30 years. But they aren’t. They are annoying because they are so bad. You know how sometimes things can be funny because they are bad? Yeah, these adverts are nothing like that. They are horrendous. I think I might sue for damages. The little piece of my soul that is stolen every time these adverts are played must be worth something, right? At the very least, maybe we can get Hirsch’s to use a proper ad agency to come up with their adverts? Can Nando’s maybe give Lucy some advice?

Some people might say, if you don’t like it, switch off your radio. But that is incorrect. If one of my friends were to knock on my door, I would invite them into my living room, because they are my friend and I know more or less what they think and what they have to say. If they something I disagree with, I have no qualms in disagreeing. If the disagreement is too contentious then we will probably concede and change the subject. If a stranger knocks on my door, I will certainly not invite them in. They could be robbers, or worse Jehovah’s Witnesses! Because I cannot directly disagree with the radio and air my view, I trust that 5fm will not pollute the airwaves with kakadudu. It is their responsibility to make sure what they broadcast is of the highest possible caliber. And 90% of the time it is. They have awesome radio hosts, and The Man does his job fairly well to ensure that the music is mostly pleasing to my ears.

They just need to muzzle Lucy and her adverts. The world will be a better place…

Look at the title of the blog. It states two things. Firstly, that I post ramblings which might be a little mad, and that I am a fat man… Yes, I am fat. And I am OK with that.

Some people have an issue with it. But its exactly that: THEIR issue. Meaning that I don’t have to worry what their issues are. They do. So if someone comes to me and says “WOW! You are one seriously fat dude”, I’ll probably respond with “thanks!” Because although I do gym, and try to eat healthy (there is a history of heart disease in my family, so I need to be careful) my rotundness is not an issue which inhibits me in any way. I am well adjusted, and have a fairly thick skin. I’m not easily offended. Sure, I’d love to have a prefect beach body, but I don’t and that’s OK with me.

So, FNB comes out with their new You Can Help ad campaign, which very effectively uses a speech given by a young black girl in a school uniform on the injustices of South Africa, and how today is the day that we put into action the great changes that we as South Africans (especially the Born-frees) are capable of making. Sure the girl looks like she is being made to say the speech at gunpoint, and that she may burst into tears at any given moment, but the message was a good one. Check it out here, if you haven’t seen it yet. This advert was displayed on all channels and online at the exact same time, which is pretty cool! The campaign aims to take the information gleaned from the HDI Youth Marketeers Research Report, which highlights what most young people in South Africa feel about the country they live in, and use this to drive the change we want to see in South Africa. Bizcommunity summed up the research report well: In assembling these views and opinions, over 1300 learners and students (ages 10 to 22) from around the country and from all walks of life participated. We learnt that today’s youth are losing their innocence, not to apartheid, but to the many social ills and tragedies that came after it. One child said, “If I was President for a day, I would make South Africa safe for children, women and teens who are abused.” Another 10-year-old boy added the following, “I get scared when people are killing each other.” (click here for the full article) 

More than that though, the Research Report shows how overwhelmingly positive the South African youth is about what they can do to help South Africa in the future. It is astounding. I urge you to download the full report from FNB (here), read it and see if you can avoid that prickly feeling as your heart bursts with pride, and your eyeballs begin to float. It really hits a chord, and its amazing to see the clarity with which the youth, as young as 10, see South Africa.

And then the ANC heard FNB calling them fat, and they were offended. They cried out and tore their clothes from their bodies. JZ wept.

The advert floated the idea that the youth highlighted, that greed, corruption and petty politics are stumbling blocks for South Africa, but never once named anyone, didn’t point any fingers, noses, elbows or any other pointy bits at anyone. The advert delivers a GOOD, strong message. And all the ANC heard was “This isn’t an advert – it’s a political statement. An attack on the president, his ministers and government as a whole” (according to Keith Khoza talking to M&G, here).

For Fuck Sakes… The last time I heard, the ANC was proud that they had ushered in an era of democracy, built on the freedom charter, and governed by a free and fair constitution. That constitution is the basis of the laws that govern not only South Africa as a whole, but the ANC too. Part of that is the right to freedom of speech. If I come and ask you a question like “Do you like Jacob Zuma?” you are free to respond exactly as you feel. It is your right to speak your mind. If I ask 1000 people whether they think the ANC is good at their job, and most of the respondents say “nah, they are pretty kak…” then that means that the common feeling is that the ANC is pretty kak at their job.. Simple really.

This isn’t the worst part though. The worst part is that FNB has pulled the advert off air. This is like the moment when in a fantasy tale, the hero receives the call to action, he sees something or hears something, that makes him change his mind and he decides to go and rescue the damsel in distress. And then he checks his diary and sees that he has a dentist appointment, and he knows how important dental hygiene is, so he gives up on his quest to win the heart of the princess, and everyone doesn’t live happily ever after. FNB has decided to go to the dentist instead of stand ad fight. If I had Michael Jordaan’s number, this is what I would do:

The point is that FNB had taken a poignant fact, something visceral, something that actual people, not witty copy writers, had said, and they put it out there. They pulled down their pants and showed they have a very big Spear. And when the ANC said “that’s raciiiiiiist!” they crumbled.

That’s like someone saying check out that fat dude, and me walking over and punching the person in the face, even though he was talking about the REALLY fat dude behind me. I don’t know which fat person they are talking about, I assume its me because I’m fat and I take offence. I guess the ANC thinks they are fat too.

For me, this was quite possibly the greatest message to come out of the report, from a 10 year old! “In the future I want to live in South Africa… I know South Africa is full of crime, but if I didn’t live here I don’t know who I would be.” Maybe the ANC needs to listen to that message, and go on diet. And maybe FNB should stick to their guns, and stand there with the tape measure and the scale, and ask EVERYONE involved to step up and see how fat they really are…

UPDATE: As I was about to click the Publish button, I heard on the radio that FNB says the advert hasn’t been shit-canned! YAY for FNB! VIVA Freedom of Speech! VIVA! I decided to publish the article as is, because maybe my message to Michael Jordaan from FNB was the reason they decided to carry on Everyman’s struggle against the oppression of a fat government!

Anyway, I was keeping an eye out for the Christian Motherhood (or whatever they call themselves), the people who had said they would get the show cancelled. I was expecting them to come and punch Gaga in the nipple, and tell her to climb back on her Devilcraft (also known as airplane) and fly back to Hell (also known as America). Apparently they are going to stop the Lady Gaga performances because she is a devil worshiper, and should you sing along to her songs, you will be worshiping the devil too!

How stupid are these people? Hahaha!
It sounds like a primary school prank: “loserssaywhat!” “What?” “Hahahahaha you are a loser!” Like seriously… I sometimes sing along to songs by girls sung to guys. Does that make me gay? So as the last line of the song is sung, am I expected to reach over and given the closest guy a handy? OF COURSE IT FUCKING DOESN’T! WOW some people are stupid!

I know a Christian. He is this awesome Spanish dude, and sometimes we affectionately call him Chris. I asked Chris if he hated Lady Gaga. Apparently not all Christian’s are of the same opinion as he is in fact a big fan. So not all Christians are stupid, just the ones who want to stop the concert.

When asked, Lady Gaga said she is devout Catholic. So you see, she can’t worship the devil, as that is not very Catholistic… (is that a word?)

Then there is a message going around saying that she is part of the Illuminati, and that they control, among other things, our music, education and money throughout the world, the true world leaders. Accordingly, this is some how tied to her being a satanist. The two things are not related Christians. Does that mean that every person who read the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown is a satanist too? Just because Dan Brown said that the Illuminati ordered the Knights Templar’s to steal from the church does not mean that they are the evil spawn of Satan as they claim.

With Gaga on the Illuminati list are Jay-Z (the rapper, not our fearless leader), Eminem, Madonna, Rihanna, Kanye West, Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Snoop Dogg, Katy Perry, Bob Dylan, ACDC, The Beatles and Led Zepplin just to name a few. So pretty much any entertainer that has made a fortune then? So because they make popular music, and have lots of fans who sing along to their lyrics, and they have lots of money, they must be Illuminati… Oh gosh! I can’t believe this shit! Hahahahaha

My views on organised religion make it impossible for me to be impartial here. To the ordinary Christians, I am sorry that these stupid people are associated with you. To the stupid Christians, (they are a separate caste of Christians, not to be confused with ordinary God-fearing Christians) I am just going to laugh at your stupidity. And so is Lady Gaga. Together we are Humourists. We believe that your stupidity is funny! Any other Humourists out there?

Edit: With the comments below, I had another look and realised I may have been too hard on the normal Christians in the original version of this post. The point of the post was not to pick on the Christians  but rather the stupid people hiding behind their religion. To this point I have revised the post so as to highlight my point about stupid people, rather than ogre-ise Christians generally…

The guy who you light fireworks for you say? Close! But not quite. Why do you light fireworks? What did he do? I hear rumblings of “he tried to blow up parliament” which is almost correct. But why did he do this? You don’t know? Ok easier question then, WHERE did this occur? CORRECT! Merry Olde Ingerlaaand…

A bigoted woman commented on a public forum called Facebook that the whites were quiet on Guy Fawkes, but the Indians have no respect on “bloody Diwali” as she put it. “Think of the poor doggies” she continued. Last time I checked, my dogs were not lighting fireworks. Granted, they probably wouldn’t want to even if they did have opposable thumbs which they would need to hold a lighter, but thats not what she said. She made it sound like the Indians had invaded her peaceful little white enclave in Rivonia, and were strapping her Jack Russel to a rocket before launching it toward the stratosphere. How does she know her dogs aren’t getting excited by the pretty sparkling lights in the sky?

We all know that SOME dogs get frightened by the loud cracks of thunder that SOME fireworks make. Andria, you can’t control other people, so you must do what you can with the things in your control. Some dogs are OK if you let them inside to lie on your bed, others might enjoy a tranquilizer or two (I know I do). I tried tying pantyhose around my dogs ears to mute the sound (as was recommended by a vet), but my dog being the hero she was, decided that the bangs weren’t so bad, and were a better option than the embarrassment of wearing pantyhose around her head. And yes, the law says you need permission to light fireworks, but this is more to stop your neighbour from recreating the Olympic Opening ceremony in his back garden than popping the occasional cracker, and lets face it, your dog doesn’t know the law…

I was called arrogant and self centered with a chip on my shoulder for chastising this ignorant woman. I explained to her that fireworks are as much a part of Diwali as Santa Claus is part of Christmas. Its called the Festival of Light, because the Hindus are celebrating the triumph of good over evil, and the loud bangs are believed to scare away evil. Its part of their culture. If we are to move forward as a country it requires you to be tolerant of other peoples culture, as much as they should respect yours.

So Andria, if you choose to celebrate on the 5th of November, and reminisce about your colonialist past, and light fireworks to celebrate the failed attempt to assassinate King James I and replace him with a Catholic monarch in England in 1605 (not sure how that relates to South Africa, but we will let that slide) and light fireworks, and burn an effigy of your neighbour on a bonfire, your neighbour should respect that too.

You see Andria, it was not me who brought race and culture into this argument  it was you. You could have said “these fucking fireworks are scaring my stupid dog.” And I would have crooned “Agahhhshameman! The poor creature!” But you didn’t. You chose to mount a full on offensive against Indians and Diwali by talking about the inconsiderate Indians and “bloody Diwali”. Stop being so backwards, you are holding this country back. I could go on a whole tirade about how stupid people like you should be given a bottle of drain cleaner without instructions on how to use it, and lets see if you wipe yourself out, but I’ve done that before. So I’m just going to leave it there. I think you know how stupid you are, you don’t need me to point it out…

The point here is not the fireworks. Or Guy Fawkes vs Diwali. Its not even whites against Indians. The issue is that as long as intolerant people like Andria exist in South Africa, and spray their putrid stupidity over the interwebs, South Africa will take twice as long to get to the end of this road, because we keep taking steps backwards.

UPDATE: Having re-read this, my position on fireworks seems a little ambiguous. I like them. I feel they have their place in South African culture (not only Guy Fawkes and Diwali, but also at things like New Years parties, sports finals etc.), just don’t blow up anyone’s dogs.

To straighten things out here, please correct me if I’m wrong.

• All employees have the right to go on strike.
• In order to be a protected strike, the strikers have to comply to 3 requirements of the Labour Relations Act. This includes referring the matter to the CCMA first, reffering the matter to the respective trade union, and giving your employer notice of intent to go on strike.
• Only if these criteria (as well as others I’m sure) are met, can the strike be considered protected.
• Should these requirements not be met, the strike is deemed unprotected, and the worker may then be fired.
• The mine workers strikes were unprotected.

Am I right?

Ok, so now that we have cleared that up, why is COSATU saying that the trade unions are upset with the dismissal of striking mine workers? (read here). I think the fact that most of the mining companies tried so hard to come to a fair conclusion with the striking workers should be something to be commended.

Up until the point where COSATU’s spokesperson Norman Mampane opened his mouth, I was kind of siding with the workers. My thinking was there are mine bosses with mansions and a different colour  Ferrari for each day of the week. If they have to halve their annual bonus for the workers to be able to afford a better life, then I’m OK with that.

But now COSATU is saying that those dismissed for not returning to work after being ordered to do so, once the whole process fell apart, actually deserve their jobs. Where is the logic in that? That’s like taking a stick and beating a dog with it, until the dog gets angry and bights you, then you saying the dog needs to be put down because its vicious.

Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?

Apparently COSATU is going to organise a strike to protest the fact that workers on strike were fired. Isn’t this tempting fate? Didn’t I already discuss this in a previous blog? (read here). Is there someone in a dark room, whose torch has run out of batteries, and is now finding furniture with his shin, and therefore having a kak day, now making the decsions at the COSATU HQ?

Stephen Grootes penned a fantastic article stating a solution to the unemployment problem in South Africa is simply to fire those that don’t work, in order to replace them with someone more capable or willing to do the required work. By making the process of firing someone difficult, the Unions and the CCMA are actually making the unemployment problem worse. He suggested that starving people aren’t looking for “good” work, but rather ANY work. He wrote this almost 2 years ago, so its not a bight from an angry dog after a beating, its actual sense. You HAVE to read the whole article, it will really make you rethink the way South Africa should hire and fire its workers (CLICK HERE! NOW).

When COSATU is acting like this, its like the SA government having a suicidal guide dog, that walks into traffic every time it feels a little depressed. How can the trade unions go on strike in protest of people being legally fired for going on an unprotected strike? It makes absolutely no sense. Its plain fucking stupid!

Or did I miss something?

“Orwell”.

Stunned, I just shook my head. She looked at me and shook her head too.

I got the reference to Animal Farm. And I understood what she meant by it. I was shaking my head because I was dumbfounded by the fact that she knew who George Orwell was, let alone the books he had written. Apparently, they are taught these things at revolutionary school or something…

Never-the-less, this got me thinking.
Is it possible that we as a country are more animalist than we’d like to think?

From the perspective of the common man on the street (with an intellectual refreshment consultant) maybe South Africa is a little more Orwellian than even animal farm was. For those of you who can’t remember the book cartoon, here are the original rules:

1. Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy.
2. Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend.
3. No animal shall wear clothes.
4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.
5. No animal shall drink alcohol.
6. No animal shall kill any other animal.
7. All animals are equal.

I think Madiba may have plagiarised these commandments a little when he wrote South Africa’s constitution. Not all of them, because walking hasn’t been outlawed in favour of crawling, and I am allowed to sleep in a bed, and wear clothes, and drink alcohol. But apart from that he copied them, I’m sure of it.

Anyway, this was written on a farm and the rules were for pigs. The point is that these rules were put in place to ensure a better farm for the animals to live on. One where everyone was treated fairly.

That was the idealistic South Africa of 1994! Equality was the name of the game!

But just like the commandments were broken and amended in Animal Farm, the same is happening here.

Don’t believe me?

How about this? In Animal Farm the commandment that said no animal shall sleep in a bed, was amended to say that no animal shall sleep in a bed with sheets. In South Africa, El Presidente has taken this one step further to say that No President shall sleep in a bed with OLD sheets. You see he needs to upgrade his Nkandla home, because what happens if Barrack Obama BBM’s Msholozi and says “hey guy. i need to crash at ur haws 4 a couple of nights. Kewl?”. Jeezy needs a place for the Kommanduh in Cheef of the United America to stay. Back in the old day, he would have been cool with offering the couch, but now Egyptian Cotton is expected. So R200 million of the country’s hard earned money will be spent on upgrading the house. NEW SHITS FOR EVERYONE!

What better example of the Commandment “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others” than Sheryl Cwele’s arrival at Westville prison. She certainly feels she shouldn’t be there! Even though she had been convicted, she appealed. She said to her lawyers “tell the court, I want the “Shaik” treatment.” She lost that appeal and ended up in prison with an extra couple of years slapped onto her sentence. Even after reporting to prison, she said she was waiting for her doctors letter from Selebi’s Doctor. But it appears that she isn’t equal enough to get that treatment. (I could have made some reference to the strikes here, but I’m tired of that now. I believe the term is saturated?)

I don’t think anyone ever listened to the “no alcohol” rule. But the amendment about excessive drinking might still be applicable. Just yesterday a “spiet-kop” (metro police – pronounced “fucking pig”) was arrested for accepting a bribe, from a drunken taxi driver. This career policeman, with 15 years in the service under his belt, was caught accepting a R20 bribe from a taxi driver who had had a few pots of umqombothi. The pig thought he had been drinking in excess, and felt that the “spot-fine” of R20 would do as penance.

I can go on and on! And so I did! About how Julius likes nice clothes and Breitling watches, and Range Rovers… And on and on. Elizabeth eventually got bored and switched on the TV. She told me to shuttup because her favourite soapy was about to start on African Magic channel. I said to her; “Elizabeth, you are a genius! You shouldn’t be cleaning my house, you should be an advisor to the President!”

Her reply stunned me again! Her reply. Verbatim.

“Oh well…”

It seems that if you are black, and are within arms reach of a rock or long stick, you are allowed to go on strike and demand a higher wage, and that you should carry on striking until you get that higher wage (maybe it applies to whites to?! I didn’t receive a memo from the DA though). I’m not sure what happens if you are on strike for longer than a month though, do you get paid for that month? Worrying to think that people may be on strike for more money, only to get none at all. They might then go on strike from striking because they didn’t get the higher wage they were striking for, as they got nothing. Does the rule of double negatives apply here? A striking striker therefore goes back to work? This is very complicated. My little brain is just going to leave it there, as it cannot go any further without hitting the “blue screen of death” and restarting… (nerd joke, sorry!)

I can’t even count how many strikes there are at the moment. The truck-drivers are on strike, there are still miners on strike too. Its entirely possible that tea ladies are on strike, as there are quite a few coffee cups on my desk, and no sign of the refreshment consultant who usually comes to fetch them. Elizabeth has been seen with her feet up on the coffee table kicking back and watching AfriMagic, I’m not sure if this is a strike or the usual Wednesday routine though… All these strikes have marred together to become a collective of “the strike” and it no longer matters who is on strike but rather how many have been shot by a racist pig  the police.

Fuckit! I want more money! So I’m going on strike too!

Except, I’m not. Because this is a one man show. So if I don’t write this, no one will. And then you, my dear reader, will be left not knowing my 10c on this whole situation… And that just wouldn’t do! You would go to bed tonight feeling slightly uneasy, like there was something missing… I just couldn’t live with myself if that were the case!

My question is, where is The Big Man? Where is Jacob Sanex Msholozi efff-u-too-juju Zuma?  He is the father of the nation (and father to the nation too)! As far as I know, he isn’t on strike! He isn’t busy getting married again either. He certainly isn’t busy reading the report on the Limpopo textbook saga either, as Angie “Poephol-for-a-mouth” Motshekga made it through another Cabinet reshuffle as the Minister of Basic Education.

So why hasn’t he come out and said: “Be still, my children. I will look after you. Do not throw that rock. Do not swing that stick. I don’t want you to be shot’. Why hasn’t he ordered all businesses who are paying their workers peanuts to pay their workers money instead? He has told news people and other non-important people OVERSEAS that this is not the norm here, and that everything will be OK soon, and that they shouldn’t cancel their  December holiday trips to Cape Town’s luxury hotels just yet. He has said bugger all, to the South Africans who are the people being stoned and shot at. This is rather worrying.

President Zuma, please remove your penis from Minister Motshekga’s mouth/poephol, and focus. We need you to do what you were put in power to do. We need you to lead. Things are looking shady for you coming up to Mangaung as it is already. Don’t give them a reason for your supporters to “mbeki” you at the conference.

Although, as the saying goes: live by the sword, die by the sword…